he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
