You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
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