I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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