I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I will die if light touches me.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
