Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
my mouth tastes like poor choices
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
