This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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