Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
