I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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