so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Come on in and take your pants off
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