if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
