I don't usually arrange sex via text message
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
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So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
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It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
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