whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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