Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
