On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Randomize
