Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
