Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
