my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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