Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
You had me at "let me see your balls"
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
