The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Drake has all the answers
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
