I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
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I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
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