well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
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