Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Your penis caused this!
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
