lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
only if we run a train.
done.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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