i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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