I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Randomize
