Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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