you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
