I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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