Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
