I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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