i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
