11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
