New low: just hacked my moms facebook
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
