my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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