i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
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A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
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I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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