I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
