It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Are we still banned from the library?
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
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