she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
