Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
