OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
