There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
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