Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
