ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Randomize
