The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
jump out the window naked night went bad
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
