Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
