Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
you will always have a special place in my vag
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
