I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
They took my balls.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
