If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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