Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Randomize
