i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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