Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
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Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
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All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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