remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
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