how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
