before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
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I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
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Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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